It is a
curious fact there is neither historical nor any archaeological evidence to
support the reality of the story of the Exodus. None that the Jews ever served
in bondage in Egypt. None that they were freed after ten punishing plagues upon
the land. None that they wandered forty years in any desert. Yet we are left
with that tradition. It had to come from someplace. It had to get started
somehow. The answer, of course, is inescapable. Three thousand years ago, a
couple of Jewish grandparents, Moe and Zipporah “Zippy” Levy, from Canaan Heights, Jerusalem, went on
Spring Vacation to Egypt to see the pyramids (which were already ancient by
that time). This is the tale they told on their return:
ZIPPORAH:
How was the trip? Don’t ask. First, they have no idea how to run a resort. We
had to carry our own bags. What are we, the help? Are we slaves?
MOE: I think
the manager was an anti-Semite.
ZIPPORAH: Moe thinks they’re ALL anti-Semites. [whispers] He got into an altercation.
MOE: It
wasn’t an altercation.
ZIPPORAH: He yelled at a bellhop for being surly to
another guest. I begged him, “Moe, don’t get involved,” I said.
MOE: I wanted
to give him such a zetz!
ZIPPORAH:
Anyway. What didn’t go wrong? The
activities were not that enjoyable.
MOE: It was
all hard exercise. If I wanted to work I would have stayed home.
ZIPPORAH: The
river was filthy, and full of frogs – who can swim in such water, I couldn’t
tell you. I think the hotel had bedbugs.
MOE: Full of
flies!
ZIPPORAH: And the animals weren’t well. They just didn’t
look… “well.” [whispers] There was a
rash of boils.
MOE: Zippy,
the people don’t want to hear about the boils.
ZIPPORAH: The weather? It hailed like it was the end of
the world. There was no sun. None. Did I mention the bugs?
MOE: No place
to raise a child. It’s worth your first born just to get out of there.
ZIPPORAH: And the food? From hunger. Everything was dry
and flavorless…
MOE:
Inedible.
ZIPPORAH: The most basic things… The bread was like
cardboard! And what wasn’t bland was so
spicy… Who eats it like that?
MOE: The
only entrée was lamb. Stringy.
ZIPPORAH: There was an egg appetizer which, of course,
Moe couldn’t touch because of his cholesterol.
MOE: The
matzo ball soup wasn’t so bad. But everything else, for eight days straight—
ZIPPORAH:
Moe got constipated.
MOE: Zippy!
ZIPPORHA: We
made the mistake of checking out on Easter Sunday.
MOE: What a
zoo! Like the whole world was trying to get out of Egypt all on the same day.
ZIPPORAH:
The front desk was… unhelpful. I kept telling Moe, “Go talk to the manager.
Tell him you want a refund.”
MOE: I
talked to the manager.
ZIPPORAH: No. You didn’t ask him for a refund. Not at first.
MOE: Not at first.
But I talked to him.
ZIPPORAH: Do you know, TEN TIMES I had to send Moe back
to the manager? Finally, the tenth time, he got a refund.
MOE: I got a
refund. By the tenth time he was so sick of my face he said, “Go, take your
money. Take OUR money. Take everything, just go.”
ZIPPORAH:
But we got the refund [winks]. Then,
driving back, of course Moe gets lost.
MOE: Oy.
ZIPPORAH: Forty years we’re driving in circles.
MOE: “Forty
years.” It was an hour and a half.
ZIPPORAH: I
kept saying, “Moishe! For God’s sake, stop and ask directions! What is it with
this pride thing?”
MOE: I
stopped.
ZIPPORAH: At
a mountain. A mountain! Who stops at a mountain? He went up and talked to some drunk
goy throwing a barbecue.
MOE: You said,
“Get directions.”
ZIPPORAH:
“Directions.” Ten directions that made no sense. Who could follow them? No one
can follow them. Forty years we were lost.
MOE: An hour
and a half.
ZIPPORAH:
Anyway, it’s over. We’re home. It’s done. Let us never speak of it again.
A year
later, and for many years after, they repeated the story over and over, vowing each
time never to speak of it again. Until, finally, one year, one wise ass among their
grandchildren wrote it down (with certain humorous embellishments) and recited
it to the whole family, before Moe and Zipporah had a chance to get started, to
rave reviews. And THAT’s how traditions get started.
– Jeffrey Scott
Simmons, 3/19/2013
