Marooned Astronaut: 4 More Maxims

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

4 More Maxims

Four more inflexible, universal laws the citizens of my world cleave to. In one of the cosmically great coincidences of all time, it seems the people who coined them there have the same last names as those who first articulated them here on Earth as well. Fancy that.

14. One of the great laws of war is Never invade Russia. (Montgomery)

15. Never teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig. (Heinlein)

16. Never let a mechanical device know you are in a hurry. (Murphy)

 17. Wherever they burn books they will also, in the end, burn human beings. (Heine)

4 comments:

PatrickSeptember 1, 2010 at 1:15 PM
that's a lot of nevers. give us some alwayses.
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Jeffrey Scott SimmonsSeptember 1, 2010 at 6:15 PM
...said Moses before the burning bush.
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MikeSeptember 1, 2010 at 6:35 PM
Pat, a good constitution is negative in orientation, while a bad one is positive in orientation. I learned that in PSC-101 (Koff) at SU. The US constitution enumerates limits to rights and preserves the remainder to the states and the people while the old Soviet constitution outlined what they could do and anything not mentioned was prohibited.
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PatrickSeptember 2, 2010 at 7:53 AM
wow. interesting idea. how the hell do you remember your old course numbers? or for that matter anything you learned in college?
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MAXIMS: A List of Fundamental Laws of the Universe (as best as I can recall them)

01. Belief in anything supernatural is counterproductive and dangerous.
02. Imposing supernatural beliefs uninvited upon others, especially the vulnerable and the young, is criminally culpable.
03. School-age children should be required to attend superbly-funded, Federally regulated public schools during the school day while private and home school alternatives should be outlawed. Parents can send kids wherever they want from 3 o’clock on.
04. Long term, large-scale use of fossil fuels is bad for a planet’s humans and should be avoided.
05. Corporate interests should never enjoy parity with, and should always be subordinate to, the common good of all and individual rights.
06. In the United States of America, the keeping of powerful weapons in one’s own home carries certain, rationally unacceptable health risks.
07. Homeopathy is crap.
08. You people need better spaceships.
09. The Battle Flag of the Confederacy is a symbol in support of racism, slavery and treason against the United States of America.
10. Whoever came up with KFC’s “Double Down” sandwich, wherein the role of “bread” is performed by two batter fried pieces of meat, should never be allowed to make decisions for anyone about any thing ever, ever again.
11. Only self-destructive weirdo cultures would forego the social benefits of allowing ALL adults to marry whomever they want, including same-gender couples.
12. Anyone who does not enjoy the prospect of pogroms in the United States of America should really speak up in defense of the plan of New York’s peaceful Muslim-AMERICAN community to build a cultural center at 45-51 Park Place.
13. Taken as a whole, the Ten Commandments would be unconstitutional as laws in the United States of America and are demonstrably NOT the basis of American law and society.
14. One of the great laws of war is Never invade Russia. (Montgomery)
15. Never teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig. (Heinlein)
16. Never let a mechanical device know you are in a hurry. (Murphy)
17. Wherever they burn books they will also, in the end, burn human beings. (Heine)
18. You can't control what you like. (Pontac)
19. Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. (Hanlon)
20. Anyone who submits a bill for advice or instruction, no matter how good, is not your Guru. (Paraphrased from Prince)
21. Simmons’s First Law: Flesh-eating zombies may only be make believe, but if you meet someone who sincerely behaves like a flesh-eating zombie, it is only good manners (and good sense) to treat them as if they are a flesh-eating zombie.
22. NOTHING happens for a reason.
22. Where there is smoke there is occassionally smoke, and sometimes (but not always) fire.
23. When Alexander Pope says, "Hope springs eternal in the human breast: Man never is, but always To be Blest," he does not mean that there is always hope. And there is not always hope.
24. The saying is not, "Never say die." The saying is, "Never say die while there's a shot in the locker," which are two completely different meanings.