WWJC

Back at the end of June, in response to the Supreme Court overturning Washington, D.C.’s handgun ban with their District of Columbia v. Heller ruling, NRA chief lobbyist Chris W. Cox mentioned that, “All law-abiding Americans have a fundamental, God-given right to defend themselves…”  Without getting into one of Cox’s numerous and exhaustive scholarly dissertations upon how a non-law-abiding American forfeits any of his or her rights as granted by God, or whether (and why) non-Americans are denied the benefit of such divine fiat, the Marooned Astronaut has been thinking a lot about God’s specific take on arms for personal defense and to wonder how the Deity might express this, His own given right, were He ever to walk the Earth in human form.

I began to wonder, in essence:

This artist’s impression depicts Jesus wielding a suppressed Glock 17 9mm parabellum, as described in the Gospel according to Luke. 

As so often is the case, biblical sources are not unanimous on the Lamb of God’s preferred sidearm.  The Gospel according to Matthew is quite specific, “And seeing the multitudes, he went up into a mountain, and carried there, and did conceal in the midst of his loins, yea, even unto his very thigh, a Walther PPK, inserted within a garter of black.” (Matthew 5:1-2)  While Mark is somewhat less explicit, he makes over 70 references to Jesus wielding a firearm of unspecified manufacture: “Jesus entered the temple area and began driving out those who were buying and selling there with his gat.” (Mark 11:15)

There has been much scholarly speculation over the reason Jesus is not reported to have been carrying on the day of the Crucifixion, though a prevailing school of thought suggests he was torn with indecision whether to go “old school” with a Colt .45 ACP Model 1911 or “heavy” with his now-famous S&W Model 29 .44 magnum. Medieval and Renaissance depictions of the Crucifixion showing Christ packing a Colt .44 single action Army “Peacemaker”* (as seen in “Christ on the Cross,” El Greco, 1600) are almost certainly apocryphal and were most likely intended as allegory.

* - Credit to renowned Neoclassical Art Historian P. Gorkin for this excellent citation.